One would think that by the eightieth game of the season, the official website of the Twins would have a nice studio picture of Kenny Rogers. However, that is simply not the case. Instead, we get this picture of him throwing in Spring Training with those stupid red-billed caps and his strange facial expression in which he seems to be sucking his lips in as far as is humanly possible.
Just taking a glance at the Gambler's stats will not tell the whole story about his season. His 7-3 record midway through the season appears decent, but his 4.93 ERA is higher than most Twins fans would like. But (and yes you can begin a sentence with but) he really has pitched quite well. By removing his start against the possessed bodies of nine Seattle Mariners on June 1, then his ERA (calculated as earned runs allowed * 9 / innings pitched, right Justin) drops down to a very respectable 4.32. He also has a strikeout to walk ratio of 2.6 which is very, very good.
Two other factors besides the Seattle game have really dragged down Kenny's numbers. First, as a groundball pitcher, he suffers the most from the miserable range that Cristian Guzman and Luis Rivas display up the middle. Second, and much more importantly, he is being punished by God for his consistent dealings with the Devil (his agent Scott Boras). By the way, he also got screwed over by the Devil as well as he held out during the winter for more money than the 2 years and $10 million the Rangers reportedly offered him. As the Devil advised that he could negotiate Kenny a higher salary, all of the other teams simply passed on signing him until he fell into the Twins' lap during Spring Training for $2 million (all of it covered by insurance money collected on Eric Milton's knee injury). Kenny, for the good of this country, for the good of this world, for the sake of humanity, please follow Gary Sheffield's lead and publicly break ties with the Devil (Scott Boras) while humiliating him as much as possible. C'mon Kenny, your country needs you.
Finally, there should be no more obvious nickname than The Gambler. However, what is quite humerous to me, is that seeming the first commercial on TV after every Twins game is an advertisement for the upcoming Kenny Rogers concert at Grand Casino. Plus, at my casino of choice (Mystic Lake) there is a slot machine called "Kenny Rogers' The Gambler". Sadly, I have yet to play this machine as I spend my time solely on blackjack (but I do know when to fold them).
